Motherhood Monday: Here I Am

Here I am,

Covered in children,

smothered with love.

Make up smudged under my eyes,

coffee getting cold.

Here I am,

almost two years

on the other side infertility.

Those long days and nights 

that my heart ached 

for a baby I did not yet know.

My body aching to 

carry another life 

inside of it again.

Here I am,

now mothering the baby

I yearned for. 

Somehow I expected it 

to be easier

this time around.

That the intense nausea 

wouldn't bother me.

It did.

That the sleepless nights

wouldn't leave my feeling

as weary and exhausted.

They did. 

That her tiny one-year-old tantrums

wouldn't get under my skin.

They do.

Even though each 

of those moments are

just as tough 

when you prayed

 long and hard

for a baby;

they are filled with this 

intense kind of gratitude. 

There's something different

about the kind of gratitude 

you feel after striving

and working so hard for it. 

When my oldest 

was born

the love was huge, 

the gratitude big.

I took it all for granted. 

We were pregnant the 

first month we tried. 

It was all gain and

very little pain. 

Before we become mothers 

we dream of having a baby.

We imagine the early morning

feeding with an almost 

romantic thought. 

We don't think of sore cracked 

nipples and the desperate 

desire for a few more

 hours of sleep. 

We vision holding our babies

and cooing at each other. 

This does happen,

but we don't see 

the part of ourselves that

just doesn't want to be touched anymore.

The dried milk everywhere, 

the face that hasn't been 

washed since yesterday morning.

And that's okay, 

because we are dreaming. 

I often hear mothers in waiting

say that all of those things 

won't bother them.

As a mother in waiting myself, 

I can tell you that they just may -

and don't best yourself up 

if they do. 

Through it all-

the nausea, sleep deprivation,

spit up everywhere and a baby with colic-

your heart will never 

forget to to give 

thanks for all you went through

and all you do.

For that sweet little babe

you waited so long to hold. 

Mothering is an 

incredible journey.

It sneaks up on us

and grabs hold of us,

shapes us, molds us

and changes us

into a better version

of the person we used to be. 

It never lets us go. 

Whether you waited

 a month, years

 or didn't wait at all.

We are the same.

We are mothers.