Motherhood Monday: Here I Am

Here I am,
Covered in children,
smothered with love.
Make up smudged under my eyes,
coffee getting cold.

Here I am,
almost two years
on the other side infertility.
Those long days and nights 
that my heart ached 
for a baby I did not yet know.
My body aching to 
carry another life 
inside of it again.

Here I am,
now mothering the baby
I yearned for. 
Somehow I expected it 
to be easier
this time around.

That the intense nausea 
wouldn't bother me.
It did.
That the sleepless nights
wouldn't leave my feeling
as weary and exhausted.
They did. 
That her tiny one-year-old tantrums
wouldn't get under my skin.
They do.

Even though each 
of those moments are
just as tough 
when you prayed
 long and hard
for a baby;
they are filled with this 
intense kind of gratitude. 
There's something different
about the kind of gratitude 
you feel after striving
and working so hard for it. 

When my oldest 
was born
the love was huge, 
the gratitude big.
I took it all for granted. 
We were pregnant the 
first month we tried. 
It was all gain and
very little pain. 

Before we become mothers 
we dream of having a baby.
We imagine the early morning
feeding with an almost 
romantic thought. 
We don't think of sore cracked 
nipples and the desperate 
desire for a few more
 hours of sleep. 
We vision holding our babies
and cooing at each other. 
This does happen,
but we don't see 
the part of ourselves that
just doesn't want to be touched anymore.
The dried milk everywhere, 
the face that hasn't been 
washed since yesterday morning.
And that's okay, 
because we are dreaming. 

I often hear mothers in waiting
say that all of those things 
won't bother them.
As a mother in waiting myself, 
I can tell you that they just may -
and don't best yourself up 
if they do. 

Through it all-
the nausea, sleep deprivation,
spit up everywhere and a baby with colic-
your heart will never 
forget to to give 
thanks for all you went through
and all you do.
For that sweet little babe
you waited so long to hold. 

Mothering is an 
incredible journey.
It sneaks up on us
and grabs hold of us,
shapes us, molds us
and changes us
into a better version
of the person we used to be. 

It never lets us go. 
Whether you waited
 a month, years
 or didn't wait at all.
We are the same.
We are mothers.

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