A Mother's Doubt

It's nights like tonight

that doubt over takes me.

As my sweet three year old sleeps soundly in her bed,

I am kept awake by swirling thoughts 

of whether or not I did enough.

The list of things I did wrong with her today consume me.

Just as I was about to stand up after dinner,

she came up to me and asked,

"Can I sit on your knee Mama?"

I said no.

In that moment it was justified.

I had to clean up dinner and start running the bath.

We were already behind on our bed time routine by 20 minutes.

Now that she is sleeping I am tearing myself apart.

Why did I say no?! 

Today when she had a temper,

I lost mine.

I yelled.

It has been my goal not to

and I broke that promise to myself.

I raised my voice, only to have her raise hers right back at me.

Replaying the moment in my mind

I am bewildered at how quickly I can act like a three year old

and allow her to control my actions.

This evening I scheduled a doctor appointment

during the girls' bedtime.

Feeling confident that Dad would be just fine,

I left the house.

What I came home to was a screaming baby 

that only wanted her mom.

My heart was breaking,

my baby was crying and my husband felt helpless.

As I nursed her my mind was going from heartache

for my baby, feeling sad for my husband and frustrated that

I can't leave the house for an hour without being needed.

I wasn't there when she was crying for me.

I wasn't there to offer her warm milk and a breast to fall asleep against.

This morning,

my arms were full of baby and bags while out shopping.

Claire left the store and wandered down the mall corridor alone.

I called out her name. I yelled her name.

My heart raced and a sweat began to break.

Trying to hard to keep the panic at bay, and the "what ifs" locked out of my mind,

I rushed outside the store to see Claire running toward me.

I keep going back to that moment.

That relief of seeing her; being so thankful in that moment

that it was a lapse in her judgement,

her disobedience and not a stranger,

that took her from my side for mere seconds.

At the end of the day,

when Claire's wraps her arms around my neck

and tells me I am the best mommy ever,

I am overwhelmed by her grace.

Her ability to put aside, or even forget,

my moments when I said no and should have said yes.

She doesn't sit on it all day

and let it consume her.

She says,

"It's okay Mama, I forgive you" and skips right along.

I have so much to learn from her.

On days like today

I lay in bed and wonder did I love them enough?

Did I give them the never-ending love that my Heavenly Father gives me?

In the moment of panic, of losing my temper,

was my love able to shine over it all?

Tomorrow is a new day,

and I pray for His mercies new for me again.

That I can extend that to my girls

whether tomorrow if filled with temper tantrums,

sass, crying and/or teething.

That the love of Christ transcends through me,

and pours all over those sweet little girls.

God gave them to me,

I promised Him to protect and love them.

I pray by His sovereign power I can do that well.