A Mother's Doubt

It's nights like tonight
that doubt over takes me.
As my sweet three year old sleeps soundly in her bed,
I am kept awake by swirling thoughts 
of whether or not I did enough.

The list of things I did wrong with her today consume me.
Just as I was about to stand up after dinner,
she came up to me and asked,
"Can I sit on your knee Mama?"
I said no.
In that moment it was justified.
I had to clean up dinner and start running the bath.
We were already behind on our bed time routine by 20 minutes.
Now that she is sleeping I am tearing myself apart.
Why did I say no?! 

Today when she had a temper,
I lost mine.
I yelled.
It has been my goal not to
and I broke that promise to myself.
I raised my voice, only to have her raise hers right back at me.
Replaying the moment in my mind
I am bewildered at how quickly I can act like a three year old
and allow her to control my actions.

This evening I scheduled a doctor appointment
during the girls' bedtime.
Feeling confident that Dad would be just fine,
I left the house.
What I came home to was a screaming baby 
that only wanted her mom.
My heart was breaking,
my baby was crying and my husband felt helpless.
As I nursed her my mind was going from heartache
for my baby, feeling sad for my husband and frustrated that
I can't leave the house for an hour without being needed.
I wasn't there when she was crying for me.
I wasn't there to offer her warm milk and a breast to fall asleep against.

This morning,
my arms were full of baby and bags while out shopping.
Claire left the store and wandered down the mall corridor alone.
I called out her name. I yelled her name.
My heart raced and a sweat began to break.
Trying to hard to keep the panic at bay, and the "what ifs" locked out of my mind,
I rushed outside the store to see Claire running toward me.

I keep going back to that moment.
That relief of seeing her; being so thankful in that moment
that it was a lapse in her judgement,
her disobedience and not a stranger,
that took her from my side for mere seconds.

At the end of the day,
when Claire's wraps her arms around my neck
and tells me I am the best mommy ever,
I am overwhelmed by her grace.
Her ability to put aside, or even forget,
my moments when I said no and should have said yes.
She doesn't sit on it all day
and let it consume her.
She says,
"It's okay Mama, I forgive you" and skips right along.
I have so much to learn from her.

On days like today
I lay in bed and wonder did I love them enough?
Did I give them the never-ending love that my Heavenly Father gives me?
In the moment of panic, of losing my temper,
was my love able to shine over it all?

Tomorrow is a new day,
and I pray for His mercies new for me again.
That I can extend that to my girls
whether tomorrow if filled with temper tantrums,
sass, crying and/or teething.
That the love of Christ transcends through me,
and pours all over those sweet little girls.
God gave them to me,
I promised Him to protect and love them.
I pray by His sovereign power I can do that well.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Drop me a line and say hello!