Called for More

The fog is beginning to lift.

My kids are now 

6 and 3

and they are gaining their independence.

They can get their own snacks,

water, and express their needs (wants),

go to the bathroom on their own for the most part

and need me for the basic necessities

of life a little less.

While I am still tired,

worn out and run ragged most days,

I am feeling a bit more like myself.

The demands and pressures of motherhood

are beginning to take a new shape;

my role is starting to shift into something new.

My kids no longer believe in the magic

of kissing booboos,

but they are into make believe. 

They don't need me to get them a snack

but they do need guidance to make healthy choices.

They are gaining independence,

and so am I.

Its exciting

but its change.

And no matter how good change is,

it is still hard.

We still need to test out boundaries,

to see how this new way of being fits us

and how it looks in our family dynamics.

There are things I miss incredibly about toddlerhood.

(I never thought I would say that!)

But its true.

The rolly legs, how they talk...

Yet I love how I can sit down 

and read my Bible, drink hot coffee,

shower a little more frequently.

Spending that quiet time was something I really missed.

Fitting in time for myself,

to spend with the Lord,

 and to exercise was a stress most days.

By the time I had a moment to breathe,

all I wanted to do was sleep, or space out in front of the TV.

My priorities were a little out of whack,

but my brain was also mush.

So there's that.

As I sat in my new comfy chair by the window this morning,

feeling the fresh air from the rainfall,

drinking my hot cup of coffee I could feel

that quiet voice pulling my heart strings.

The Lord knows me.

He knows me so well.

He knows that time is something I struggle with the most.

Time is precious.

It seems there is never enough of it.

And admittedly I am selfish with it.

I want to soak up every minute that I can.

When we are together as a family,

I feel protective of it.

Days off, evenings, I want to build a wall around us

and stretch every minute out as long as possible.

It has been the source of arguments in our home-

my possessiveness of time.

It is often the source of anxiety for me as well.

If our schedule gets too full, 

too packed of things to do and appointments to make,

I feel overwhelmed easily. 

Time is a gift, and I never want to take it for granted.

As an extroverted introvert 

(someone who enjoys socializing, but 'recharges' alone)

I know I need to keep a close on eye on my balance of

being with people and being alone.

While I love, love spending time with others

it also drains me very quickly and makes me feel tired,

and therefore a bit grumpy.

Which is the part my family sees, and is really not fair.

What I am getting to is this:

I can feel the Lord stirring in my heart 

to make more room.

With this new season of parenthood

that has fallen upon us,

I can feel the selfish pieces of me

yearning to take back the independence that used to be all mine.

I want to curl up in a ball on the couch

with a good book, a cup of coffee and a blanket.

I want bubble baths,

walks in the crisp autumn air,

date nights with my husband

and creating new traditions with our kids.

These are all fantastic things that I plan

to do more of!

The Lord has been asking me,

"What else?"

What else can I do with this

time, space, home?

How can I serve, give back,

encourage and bless others?

Time isn't mine,

it never belonged to me.

How can I use it to glorify God,

and not my selfish desires to use it for myself?

As a parent we are pouring out 

all day every day.

It is our hearts desire.

This will probably always be a desire,

but it will also change again and again

what it looks like.

What is God calling me to do

in this season of life 

to have more for Him,

and less of me?

Thoughts?

I would love to hear from the parents who are one, two or several years in front of us.